Daily Interview with: Our New Staff

As many of you know, we have had to postpone our Daily Interview section for days, due to the trivial fact that all of our reporters have suffered horrible fates within days of being hired. We are up and running after a major staff change, and we would like to introduce our new staff!

* awkward silence*

Nobody's going to clap? Well, if that's the way you want it....

Anyway, moving on! Our new team consists of:

'Chief Reporter Johnny Mango. 'Mango is highly trained in martial arts. He was taught by a very masterful guy named Timmy Two-Mouth in the wilds of Southern California. He has no reporting experience whatsoever, but he has got nerves of steel.

'Backup Reporter Lindy Cheese. 'Cheese is a former criminal who has agreed to help us if we don't tell the authorities that she is planning to break into Fort Knox.

Cameraman Jimmy Pickles. He's just some random guy we found sitting on the curb who agreed to film us with his smartphone.

'Editor Chuck Wheelhousen. 'It turns out that Wheelhousen is a book editor and knows nothing about film, but we're keeping him anyway.

First Aid person-

* psst! Medic would be a better word for it!*

'Medic Tyler Chirpy. 'Chirpy is really good at applying Band-Aids and ointment.

Anyway, good night and happy new year!

* awkward pause*

Um...why are you still here? Are you waiting for something? Oh, right, an interview. Sorry, that was it. We're not going to interview our new staff, especially because our reporters are members of our staff. I apologize for the deceptive title.

But we will begin interviews and LIVE COVERAGE very soon!

Goodbye and Happy New Year!

* If you're still here, go away. There's nothing left to do in this post. Unless you want me to tell you a bedtime story, in which case I will. Once there was a gnome. He had too many apples. Instead of being sad, though, he froze them and chucked them at passing strangers, laughing as they clocked people in the head. Moral of the story: enjoy yourself.

BYE. NOW. SEE YOU NEXT TIME (HINT HINT).